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Growing Pains

Growing up is a scary thing and in all honesty, I can't stand it.

I don't understand that at the age of 18 and now being considered an adult I have to act differently and all my old childish but comforting habits need to be demolished. I don't understand why I get disapproving looks when I don't do things others my age do.

Now that college is over people of my age are making the exciting transition to Uni or full time work, but mainly uni.

I'm not doing this.

I've just came out of college with an BTEC Extended diploma and a Sup diploma in forensic science. It's more than enough to get me into uni but I'm going back for a 3rd year at the hell hole more commonly know as college to study business.

When people ask why I'm not going to Uni in September my reply is usually along the lines of "I have a years left of funding and I want to make the most of it." This isn't a lie. I do have a years left of free funding so I might as well get another qualification. However, it's not the real reason. The real answer is simply that I'm not ready for Uni.

I can't cope with the change.
I can't cope with moving out at the moment.
I can't look after myself at home, let alone in a new environment.

I'm not ready for the next step of my life just yet. In a years time I probably will be, but just not right now.

Tonight I'm starting to realise just how much further I need to go in accepting myself.

I came back from my usual Tuesday as a leader at Guides in a grey mood. A little different from our usual evening gave me some time with others my age what got me down.

When I get down I tend to hide my differences and simply pretend my quirks don't exists. It's something I've done since a little kid. Sure oppressing traits that make up who I am is very damaging an I will never recommend it but it made me feel better. I thought that as long as I was fitting in, it didn't matter what I was feeling. I just needed to fit in.

This evening though for the first time I didn't bottle it down.

I spoke to my mum about it and discussed what was stressing me out at the moment.

We printed off some sheets to help create some sort of routine for me and talked about how I could work around things. It's the first time I've faced it. I'ts not all sorted but it was an honest and open start in trying to make things work and accepting my quirks that I try so hard to hide.

It was nice and in some ways it's helped me feel a little bit more grown up.

I still can't stand growing up. To become a valuable member of society that has a home, a job, pays bills, has a family is something that seems impossible for me at the moment. But it's something that I'm going to have to do.

It's only now though that I'm realising that I can grow up to be me. It might not have to be as painful as I first though. Others might find what I do to cope and adapt as strange but that's to be expected. Everyone has growing pains at some point, maybe that's be how mine show themselves. But tonight I manged to take a tiny step forward in accepting me.

It's only a tiny step and I have a long way to go but it was a start.



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