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Growing up

Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.

Believe in yourself.

Isn't that a difficult one? 

Turning 18 was a difficult one for me, I won't divulge into why on this post but become an adult was a challenge to say the least. A month on from my birthday I'm still completely overwhelmed with it. 

Maybe I got growing up all wrong, but in my mind as soon as I became an adult it meant that I couldn't mess around anymore, it meant that I had to have my future layed out and planned before me, that I had to have a day by day plan of where I wanted to go. 

Growing up meant that I had to stop playing my games, I had to put my 3DS down and that I was no longer allowed to have panic attacks because adults didn't have them (even though that's untrue) I had to stop having my headphones in, in class because adults should be able to handle the sounds of a noisy class. 

Trying to change most my patterns within a month sent my anxiety into a bit of a spiral. I'd asses what I thought I'd have to do to act like an adult but then the changes were so fast that I'd get worse. From there I'd look at my increasing anxiety and try and make even more changes to make up for my childish anxiety behaviour. The spiral just went on and on.

Growing up meant that I finally started to take driving lessons. A few lessons in and I'm already looking for cars. I know that I can't afford one just yet but it has given me a taste of freedom and independence that I now really would like. I'm progressing quickly but I think it will still be a while until I go for my tests. 

Growing up meant that I had to learn how to cook. I think I've progressed quite far, I've moved on from just being able to cook pasta. I can now cook pasta with tomarto ketchup sauce :) 

It's meant that I've had to take responsibility for what I eat, what has failed the majority of the time. I've discovered that I'm a show eater. If I'm with people I eat. It's not always a lot but I still do it now.

 Alone however, that's a different story. I find myself sending the odd friend photos of my food with funny captions trying to joke about it, but what I'm really doing is trying to hold myself accountable to what I eat. Yesterday I had the day off from college, I skipped breakfast and lunch because no one else was in the house so I had no one to prove I was eating. My tea consisted of  a rice pot some crisps that I nabbed and some chips (and some custard creams during the day, my appetite and love for custard creams is back!!)

What I ate that day sounds like a failure but it wasn't in some ways. Did I need to eat more? Yes. But to have the realization that I was back to being comfortable with eating around people again was such a relief. 

Growing up has made me seriously start looking at my body again. I'm still my usual stubborn self (what I am trying to change) but I don't feel like I look like an adult. I'm still very much looking like a kid.

I was walking down the corridor one of the days at college with my leavers hoodie on (I left school in 2015) and I walked passes a group of some of the sports lad and one of them rather loudly said to their friend "Bloody hell. she's 18 she doesn't look it." (I was the only one in the corridor so it was definitely aimed at me) The fact that a group of guys were laughing at me didn't particularly bother me (I'd rather have them laugh at me than yell things at me out their car as they drive past like I'm object that's only purpose is for their enjoyment) I was more fussed about the fact that they didn't that I was my age. 

I have no idea how to grow up, I really haven't got a clue. 

But for now I'm just going to try and enjoy life to the fullest and try and make as many memories as I can. 



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