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Showing posts from 2016

Faith, hope and love

This afternoon I was talking to a friend of mine, I was pretty stumped on what I could write about today. We have a bit of a running joke as both of us have blogs that we write but we are both too afraid to let each other read them, well I know I am anyway. But I don't mind talking about mine periodically, waiting for the day that I will let them read mine.

During this they said about made writing a post to make others feel better about themselves. I can't remember the precises words they used but it was something along the lines  of  "write something that makes people think they're worth a damn." There words not mine... But they had a point.

Being honest I wasn't completely sold on the idea, I haven't been the happiest with myself lately and I have taken a whole load of hits and step backs, leaving me feeling unable to talk to you all about self love, simply because I didn't really feel like loving myself at that point in time.

Not really wanting t…

More beautiful when broken.

A year or so ago I was at an even called New Wine.

During the week  went to a seminar called 'my friends scars'. It was all about self harm and how as a christian we can support recovery with people who self harm and how we can use the bible to help ourselves if we were struggling fighting it. I don't remember too much about it to be honest, much to my annoyance that year I was too shy to make notes during the seminar, this yea I learned my lesson and took a note book with me. However, 16 year old me did make one not on a scrap of paper, I sadly lost that piece of paper until this afternoon where I found it.

On that piece of paper was the word 'kintsukuroi'.

 kintsukuroi (sometimes known as Kintsugi) is a beautiful thing.From what i have read, it's origins is from Japan. Broken pottery is repaired, that's all it is. But instead of being repaired with glue, it's repaired with lacure that contains gold or other desirable metals. The outcome of these repai…

Don't be afraid to recover

I think I've mentioned my friends quite a few times now. I think I've also mentioned that non of them are in a particularly good place at this point in time and are all at different points on their individual roads of recovery and self acceptance.

But one thing I have noticed is that I am so influenced by my friends. I wouldn't say that they pressure me to do anything that I don't want to do but I am however very influenced by them subconsciously.

So my friends barley eat, and when I say barley eat I mean it. I have an eating disorder and I eat more then them! What worries me.

But here's the thing because they don't eat really, I always think that I'm a fake, I think that there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just being an attention seeking idiot. That frame of mind escalates and I end up in a very bad place. Or I think that because I have an eating disorder I should be eating less. I don't really have much of a social life, so my Friends are the o…

I wish - Poem

I wish...

I wish I could write poetry
To put words on a page that made readers thoughts go ablaze is all that I wish.
Instead I sit starting at a blank screen.

For me poetry was letting things go when your words just wouldn't make sense.
An excuse to write recklessly with no thought or care.
A place to say, yeah ok lets try that instead.
I wish I could write poetry to tame the demons in my head.

I wish I could put in pretty words what was really going on.
To say I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm not quite sure whats going on!
But here I sit wondering how others can write what I only wish I could.
I wish I could could write poetry because no one else quite understood .

I wish I could just type and a masterpiece would appear
With words a line that all make sense
But with no experience, luck or charm
My words fail and they do more harm.
And I'm left only wishing I could.
I wish I could write poetry but I think I could if, I only opened my eyes and see
Whats really there, sur…

At the end of the day (Matthew 6:24)

Things have been very difficult lately.

I've been so miserable, confused, hurt, anxious and just in a bad place for the past few weeks. Nothing too bad has triggered anything but in general I have just been bad. Without fully realising it I had, had a major relapse in my eating. I went through denial, anger, hurt, confrontations and finally acceptance. I'm not fully ok as I write this but I am way stronger than I have been over these last few weeks and because of this I wanted to share something with you all.

I won't kid myself and say that I know loads about the bible. I can't recite it off by heart, I can't remember my favorite verse off the top of my head and I most certainly do not understand everything in it. However, I do like to read it. For me having a genuine relationship with God was more important than being able to recite the bible off by heart. But naturally my relationship with him does get better the more I read my bible.

I have a notebook that I keep…

Inside my art journals

So a while back I did a post about art journals. I briefly went over what they were and showed a picture of what I was doing currently with it and because I really enjoyed writing about my art journal I have decided to write another one. This time however, I'm going to show you a few of my completed pages.
I have a total of 3 art journals. Only one is complete and another retired as I didn't like the feel of the book I was doing it in, the third on I am currently using. My first art journal was a blank ring binder sketch book. I loved the fact that it had a canvas front so I could design my own cover fro it and completely personalise the entire thing. My first art journal wasn't pretty, the pages that I'll show you are from later on in it as by that point I had developed my skills a little more.

My second one was an A4 diary that I had wrote in when I was 12. I only managed to write in it for a week and didn't want to waste a perfectly good book so I decided to ad…

My synesthesia

I have synesthesia.

The easiest way to describe it would be a crossing of the senses in my brain. I ca hear a sound and also see a colour at the same time. It's quite a cool quirk to have.

So I have quite a few forms of synesthesia, but most of mine revolve round colour. I synesthesia in all five of my sences . So I can see music and sounds, I see colours when I touch certain textures, I see colours with smells, tastes and pain. Words are in colour for me as well. Objects and numbers have personality 



Instead of trying to describe it too you i will try and show you and give examples.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 22 46 79  How most people see numbers 123456789 0 224679 How I see numbers. Each one has its own specific colour. Some also have personality's so the number 4 is very harsh and unforgiving, 7 is sly and tricky, 8 is lovable and kind and finally 9 is horrible, mean and dark. 
I also see words in colour. Pizza Shoe Soap Environment Colour Pries Surprise Door Wood World Open  These two abo…

A little bit of honesty

I've been thinking and I'm going to be honest with you guys. And I think I need to take a slight step back from my blog. Don't worry I've got some posts already wrote out so I will still be posting but I think I need to take a slight step back.

I love my blog, I really enjoy writing on it and I love it when you guys comment but things have been happening in the back ground and I need to spend some serious time with God and get my priority right. At this point in time my blog is my escape but it has also become my distraction, I'm spending more time talking to you guys about my problems than I am with God.


So I am still posting but only on Fridays now, I will write things but I don't really want to go into too much detail about my own personal recovery for a little while, just until I get things sorted and I'm back on the path I should be on.

Once I'm back on track I will start posting twice a week again and I'll let you know how I'm doing. But f…

Skinny

I'm apologising now, I think this post might turn into a bit of a rant. So sorry if my punctuation and sentence structure completely goes out the window (not that it was amazing to begin with :)

So I'm back talking about body image again, and today I wanted to talk about being 'skinny'.

So I want to throw in a question here. Is being skinny pretty? 

Another question I want to ask is, Do you have to be skinny to be considered beautiful?

Now a days in the media there is a massive push that you have to be skinny to look good. That you have to be size 6 (UK clothing sizes) to be considered pretty. I know that when I look on instagram I always see girls in pretty, but revealing clothing, who have tiny stomachs. These photos I've noticed seem to have the most likes.

When I'm at college with my friends you can grantee that someone will say to me "I wish I was skinny like you." or "You're really lucky being skinny." I get a lot of comments on my…

Moving On

So I didn't post anything on Monday...
I'd lost most motivation do anything really and that included my blog. 
I'm doing ok, but at the same time I'm not, and that's what I'm going to talk about today...
I have had a some pretty big set backs these past few days. Nothing bad has happened exactly to trigger things but I know things haven't been too good. I'm back eating very little and starting to count calories to a big extent.

 But I'm ok. I'm tired of things, I know something is wrong, but I'm ok.

As an aspiring author that quote really appeals to me. I love throwing plot twists in randomly when it comes to my own book that I'm writing, so for some reason I find it quite comforting.

But other than focusing on the 'plot twist' bit of the quote, I want to focus on the 'moving on' bit. I know that I personally really struggle from 'moving on' from any bad things that might have happened to me, and trust me when I …

Bridge - a poem

A bridge stands in front of me.  Black tar climbs over the rails, it climbs to get me. It twists and turns closer and closer, pillars make its way. It clings to my skin, knots in my hair, diving into my lungs. I know where I want to go, to make it to the end.  A bridge stands in front of me, but my foundations are laid bare. 
Every imperfection, embarrassment and defeat clouds my eyes.  My breath is stolen away. A bridge stands in front of me but I don't know if I can get there.
That bridge is my choice. Cross it and I'll be free! Hope is on the horizon, a life where I'll be free, to love, to serve to have a meaning. A bridge stands in front of me, but tar is also there.
Tar was a friend, I knew them well. My comfort in times of need, But a lair, a fiend, it just couldn't be pleased.  And yet they knew me well.
Every step is a battle, it's a struggle that I need. I will make it, I will fight, I think "one day I'll be free" A bridge stands in front of…

You are enough.

Ok, so I have had something on my mind for a while and I really want to share it with you all.

I want to talk to you about body positivity and self confidences, especially confidence in your body.




So let's start this with me being real with you all. I am NOT confident with my body. I will be talking about things that I can not yet believe or think about my self yet. I am still struggling with how I see my own body. I do not love it how I should, I do not care for it how I should and I do not fight for it as much as I should. But I really want to talk too you all about this subjects and I will explain why in a bit. But for now I did just want to be real with you all. I am talking to about things that I am still fighting. I am writing this post for you guys, who read it, and for myself. I get a lot out of blogging and I often find myself supporting and coming to terms better with things if I write about it.

So now that that bit is over I will explain why I am going to be t…

Little hidden jems.

I have always loved exploring. I like finding new places and looking around, finding all the little hidden delights that a new place could hold. However, because I'm a little bit more cautious and unsure of things nowadays I very rarely will go into unfamiliar environments.

I've been on holiday in the Lake District this week, and whilst I was there we came across a second hand book shop. From the outside it didn't look like much, the shop window displays weren't very well done, the building looked small and grotty and it just didn't look to inviting but despite this I really wanted to go inside, because duh who wouldn't want to explore a old book shop?  My mum wasn't too up for it but she agreed to come in with me all the same.

I can honestly say it was an absolutely lovely shock inside. The ground floor was split in two, one side was good condition second hand books, with no real order, the second half was like a little gift shop selling really cute things …

So I found this quote...

So I found this whilst exploring the wonderful depths of Pintrest  I'm not too big a fan of putting quotes like this in my posts. I'm not sure why, I just don't like them being there. However, I know people like looking at images, pretty pictures and it breaks up long paragraphs to text, so I do throw them in on the odd occasion. But for some reason I really liked this quote, and I've decided that I'm going to listen to it *sigh* and talk about positive things for a change. I know I always try to end some of my more personal recovery posts on a positive but I am aware that Monday's one most certainly did not. So I'm going to make up for it know. 
So lets talk about happiness! 
I'm most happy when I'm close to God. When I really push and try to have a close and good relationship with Him I am at my most happiest. It was God who set me free from self harm and it's Him who showed me that it is possible for me to live without an eating disorder, it…

Update on things

So it's been a little while since I did an update on how my recovery was going. I wasn't too sure where to start with this so I'm just going to write. I apologies now if this is bad and doesn't flow very well. I just wanted to vent today, what means this is going to be a very long, honest post, sorry.
Ella.

So one of the main areas that I find particularly stressful is eating out, this could be at a friends house, at a restaurant or anywhere that isn't in my usual environment. This is the one area that I know is completely caused by anxiety and not my bad relationship with food... normally. In someway I think I've taken a step backwards, only a small one but it's a step back all the same. That step back is that I'm starting to count calories far more and with accuracy as well. I never used to do this, manly because I didn't like mental maths. That hasn't changed but I find myself doing it on almost everything that comes with packaging.

My friend…

A brief introduction to art journals

So lately I think my post are getting a little to serious for my liking, so I'm going to get sidetracked and ramble on about meaningless, lighthearted things. So I'm going to ramble on about art journals.

For those who don' know what art journal it is a random book where you just make art. It doesn't have to be good or pretty nor does it have to make sense. You just make art, usually in a sketchbook. I once saw an awesome quote that said that an art journal was just having a visual conversation with yourself. That pretty sums up what art journaling is. You just create things, with no purpose other than to have fun. I personally find it very therapeutic. It's nice just to send time just doing something fun.

I started about two and a half years ago. My first art journal was terrible. It was so bad but I loved it all the same. It was scrappy, disorganised and not very pretty to look at. The process of making it was so nice. 


Above was a photo I took whilst I was work…

Helpless?

There is one thing that I think most people can relate to to, and that's hating the feeling of helplessness. To see something, someone hurt or in pain and not being able to help them, not knowing how to help them is horrible.

For me I find myself feeling helpless when it come to my friends and people I care about more often than ever before. I so desperately want to help these people, especially the ones that I really care about, but I find myself lacking the knowledge to help them. But when I know how to I find myself in too much of  vulnerable position emotionally to help. I spent my school years putting my friends emotional health before my own. Helping them was all that mattered to me. Now in college and realising that I myself am suffering emotionally I had to make the decision to take a step back. To put my own health before others for the time being. I fell terrible for that, I feel selfish. But I can't help them if I am broken to such a significant extent myself. If I …